Disappeared
Some lessons hurt, some lessons educate, and some lessons leave you in a whirlwind, wondering what just happened! There have been a few that have left me in that whirlwind, and losing the love of my life on December 30, 2018 has by far, been the hardest. Twelve years of sharing my life with someone and then they unexpectedly pass away left me in a whirlwind and wondering what do I do now? He was my biggest support system, my biggest fan, my love, my best friend, and he was gone. The past six years have been difficult, and I know that everyone is wondering where the band is and wondering why I disappeared. Disappearing was the only way I knew how to process my feelings, and I felt like I was waiting for someone to rescue me; actually praying for someone to save me. No one ever did, but thanks be to God, that I’m still alive! Normally, I would put my feelings on paper but I just can’t find the words. There is nothing normal about grief and each person handles it differently. As strong of a woman as I was, I let it consume me, and I missed out on living life.
I’ve been writing since I was a small child, and being an only child, writing was my vent. A few years ago I had someone tell me to stop writing so many sad songs. That really discouraged me to write, because writing about the not so happy things in my life is my way of venting. So, listening to other people was a Big Mistake, so don’t listen to what other people say, do what works for you. Anyways, those “sad songs” that I had written, healed me in a time I had nothing else. The music I have written are all life experiences that I can share with people who can relate and I wouldn’t change a thing! I’ve met so many amazing people that were dealing with similar situations, and I hope they knew, they were not alone. Some life experiences leave you feeling alone, and in my case, actually wanting to be alone.
Being burnt out, humbled, losing the love of my life and trying to figure out who I am without him was debilitating. Pushing everyone away from me, I secluded myself from any hobbies, friends, my music, and basically lost myself. Music was always one of the things that helped me vent, and yet I couldn’t write a word and didn’t even want to pick up my guitar for that matter. The weight I was carrying buried me alive, and I simply existed. Life goes bye so fast, it feels like I just woke up and I’m looking at someone else in the mirror! New Music….. Hmmmm… Absolutely!
I used to be so positive and optimistic (and boy did I ever preach it), about moving forward and chasing your dreams, and there I was, finding it hard to even function. I felt like such a hypocrite, being one who used to be so happy and full of life. Life as I knew it was over, I was so lost. Currently, I’m trying to take my own advice and move on, in a forward direction. I’m trying to find me….
It’s Not About How Long I Have Been Down, It’s The Fact I’m Getting Back Up!
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